xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Wil Coloma: Who knew a home for sale listing could be so ridiculously funny?

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Who knew a home for sale listing could be so ridiculously funny?


I seriously can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  A man has listed his row home for sale in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, but my guess is that there haven’t been any bites with his realtor because he’s listed his home on Craigslist and the way he describes it is absolutely hilarious:

Do you want a low-maintenance home in a relatively stabby-free neighborhood?  Do you want to live within walking distance of 5 bars?  In the event of a cardiac emergency wouldn’t it be nice to be only 3 blocks away from Lancaster General Hospital?  Well, I have the home for you.

Casa Dobermino is on the market.  Built in the 1940s by skilled artisans and stone masons, this property at 739 N Marshall St. could be the work of angels.  Probably Hell’s Angels, but no matter.  I bought this house in 2004 because I wanted to adopt a dog from the Humane League and my roommates at the time didn’t want a dog.  So naturally, I walked out of my apartment and bought the house for sale by owner directly across the street.

In the short 10 years that I’ve owned this property I had to replace the roof (2012), Central Air (2012), Gas Furnace (2006), Gas Stove (2013), Hot Water Heater (2010 & 2013 fml) and Dishwasher (2006).  Last month I had the interior and exterior painted and the floors refinished.  Basically you’ve got a house that someone has already taken a beating on so you can move in and live worry free.

There are 3 bedrooms, of which 3 are normal bedrooms and the 3rd one is tiny.  That one would be good for a nursery, office, dark room, massage parlor, really tiny home theatre, or panic room.  In the Master bedroom I left a wall mount for your flat-screen TV so you too can enjoy the pleasure of playing Grand Theft Auto from bed.

There is only one bathroom but in a pinch there is a nice laundry sink in the basement.  Speaking of basement, half of it is finished so you have somewhere to hide when your spouse is an a**h***.

There is one off-street parking spot out back so even if all of the neighbors have guests hogging the street spots, you can still easily pull into your spot laughing at the neighbors without such amenities.  There is a tiny fenced-in yard out back that over the years helped confine 4 different Dobermonsters.

Are you lazy like I am?  Well don’t worry, there is no grass in back and the front yard you can mow in less than 5 minutes.  Or you can hire Stephen, he’s a neighborhood kid (I think he’s 20) that stutters and rides a BMX bike, he charged $10 to mow the lawn or shovel snow.

If you are hungry or wanna get a load on you can walk to Turkey Hill, Stubby’s, Lancaster Brewing, Quips, Cork and Cap, Bakers Table, Rumplebrewskins, ABAG or the Friendly Greek.  If you have a medical emergency you can take a quick jog to the ER – Good Times!

But wait, there’s more!  My last 3 ex girlfriends all have keys to the place and they rarely do pop-ins.  The bathroom sink is located directly in front of the toilet so in a Flu-Emergency you can expel in both directions.  The neighbors will pretty much leave you alone as I set the bar pretty high as being the “crazy fat guy with a gun and Dobermans”, so if you move in discreetly they might think I’m still there and stay out of your business.

**** UPDATED PICS. One pic is of my old big red couch with two of my former dogs. The couch and dogs are all buried now but I miss them so they made it into the photos. There are pics of the back yard or basement yet because as the photographer said, “It is a hot mess." So I painted the basement mostly today and sooner or later I’ll get around to pulling the dead Morning Glories off my fence.